Comedy section

[Reckless Rat]

Nothing ribald or embarrassing please, but I need a good laugh during these dark and cold winter months.

Must be Austin Seven related.

For example:

A penguin driving an Austin Seven stopped off for a pint. He went up to the barman and said:
"Has my brother been in?"

The Barman replied:
"I don't know, what does he look like?

[Andy Bennett]

Then a tortoise arrived at the bar (having parked his Austin seven outside) and asked for a pint.

The barman physically threw him out of the door.

A week later he arrived back at the bar and said, 'what did you do that for?'

---

Next customer was a horse, who coincidentally had also just parked his Austin Seven outside.
Barman says, 'why the long face?'

[Nick Salmon]

Then another hor.....se walked into the bar. The barman asked, "Why the long space?"

[Hugh Barnes]

A group of Austin 7 owners, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big bre@sts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service were good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[Rick F]

The Vicar’s Chummy

For many years the Vicar got around the parish on his trusty bicycle. Then one day, in a moment of recklessness, he bought an old, secondhand, Austin Seven. He was very proud of his little car and the villagers soon got used to seeing him tootling round the lanes, waving gaily to all and sundry.

It came as a surprise, therefore, when one Saturday morning Farmer Giles met the Vicar walking slowly down the lane, a downcast expression on his face.

“Why Vicar, whatever is the matter? And where’s your little old car?” enquired the farmer.

“Alas, my son,” replied the Vicar. “Some miscreant has stolen it, from outside the vicarage.”

“Have you reported it to the police?.”

“Well,” said the Vicar, “As a Christian I want to give the villain the benefit of the doubt and would not ask any questions should the car be returned. But I must confess I really don’t know how to go about getting it back.”

Farmer Giles thought for a while, then said. “Here’s an idea. Tomorrow you must preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to “Thou Shalt Not Steal”, stare hard at each member of the congressional. That will surely prick the conscience of the thief and he’ll return your car.”

“A capital idea!” exclaimed the Vicar, and strolled off humming “Onward Christian Soldiers”.

The following Monday, Farmer Giles was pleased to se the Vicar once again motoring down the lane in his “Seven”. “I see that worked, then, Vicar.” he said.

“Not exactly,” replied the clergyman. “I preached a sermon on the Ten Commandments, as you suggested, but when I got to “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, I suddenly remembered where I’d left the damn car!”

[Bob Olive]

A life-long Austin Seven enthusiast died and went to Heaven.  St. Peter greeted him at the pearly gates with a cheery Hello old boy - and offered to show him around.

"Over there are fully equipped workshops with unlimited supplies of just about everything you'll need. On this side are scrapyards dating from the 1920s to the 1950s which have hardly been touched and are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. On the far side is a test track and a hillclimb, with some trials grounds behind that, and now let's go indoors to meet the other 'motoring types' as we call them up here.  This is the Clubhouse complete with archives, library, and and bar and dining room.'

It was buzzing with activity, lots of chaps in tweeds with pints in their hands all chatting together about their particular cars, their merits and faults, and generally having a wonderful time. 
In one corner was a huddle of blokes all facing away from the others, occasionally looking over their shoulders at the busy throng, muttering and generally being somewhat aloof.

" What's going on here?" asked the new chap. " Oh, don't worry about them." replied St. Peter "They're the Rolls Royce owners, they think they are the only ones up here..."

(With apologies to Rolls Royce owners - the make quoted is inter-changeable - to suit your dinner guest!)

[Bob Culver]

Hi Bob Olive
A problem with eternity is that all practical devides  will fail of fatigue eventually. But I would probably get most of my projects finished.

---

The only Seven connection is that I chanced not to be working on it at the time. But the greatest punch lines I have encountered.
1) the closing line  of the Smith and Jones (?) sketch of the praying mantis receiving advice from the Minister prior to marriage.
2) Private Benjamin reluctantly conceding her new husband's last words. (Early in the film)
3) Billy Connelly’s explanation for his not vocalising during a sex scene for a film.
When first seen/heard I began to seriously wonder if I would recover. Hopefully all are somewhere on Youtube.

[john williams]

A drunk staggering home, comes across an Austin Seven stopped by the roadside. The driver has the bonnet open and a look of dismay on his face.
" Whash the promblem?" asks the drunk of the driver. "Piston broke" comes the curt reply. "So I'm I" replies the drunk with a grin.

[Reckless Rat]

A white horse went into a pub whose landlord has just finished building an Ulster replica. " pint of bitter please" says the white horse.

"Pint of bitter sir, no problem. We've got a whisky named after you, you know"

"What, Eric?"

[Russlin]

A hungry termite driving his Austin 7 home from a meeting called in to the pub and asked "is the bar-tender here?"